INTP with an ISFJ?

If she's upset about something, instead of being able to console her, I end up giving a solution...it's like a damn curse!

Originally Posted by StoopidMunky11

How do you get passed the constant need to fix everything? She has a problem and is mad about something, I have to give her a solution to fix the problem. She doesn't like that because mostly she just wants to vent, but in my mind, how does venting solve anything?

If she's upset about something, instead of being able to console her, I end up giving a solution...it's like a damn curse!

O yeah, I am not going to lie. It is a tough life for and INTP dating a ISFJ. You just have to take your problem solving hat off and put on your feeling hat. I'd preemptively think of good responses. All responses fall in to a certain category like sympathy, related experience, agreeing/disagreeing, complement, logical, ect. It was almost like a game for me to figure out which response is the most appropriate for the situation. If you play games with her, dont win every time. Limit how often you flex your brains muscles, even with little things. For example, we were cooking, and I chopped my onion faster than her. Yeah... she didnt blow up, but I could tell she was upset. Act helpless sometimes, it'll make her feel needed. Big decisions will be a nightmare.

Do you know about the Jungian functions?
INTP - Ti Ne Si Fe
ISFJ - Si Fe Ti Ne
Your first and second function match her third and fourth and vice-versa. The third function is people's relief function. Under mild stress you use this function to relax. When you try to solve her problems you are using Te. Think about when you were trying to solve a problem using your Ti and a Te tried to intrude. The Te person usually isnt thinking about all the details like you (the Ti) are. Mildly stressed her Ti is feeding her Fe. In other words, dont try to solve her problems. Just let her complain. When you (the INTP) are mildly stress your Si feeds your Ti. No one really ever knows you're stressed. Your fourth function is your aspirational function. When you have spare time and energy you strive to be better at this function. You (the INTP) are good at her aspirational function Ne, and she is good at your aspirational function Fe. When everything in life is going smoothly, INTP and ISFJ's relationship is GREAT. When things get difficult for one or the other the relationship is okay. But when you are both having a hard time, the relationship gets super hard. Highest of the highs and lowest of the low.

I think it is imperative to talk to her about this while the relationship is going well. It will be too late once you are both upset. The next step is to anticipate stressful times. You want to avoid being stressed at the same time as her. The INTP will put more effort into this relationship. You are the Ne. You have a better view of the future than she does. To her, a big fight is the end of the world. I hope I didn't scare you.

Originally Posted by StoopidMunky11

How do you get passed the constant need to fix everything? She has a problem and is mad about something, I have to give her a solution to fix the problem. She doesn't like that because mostly she just wants to vent, but in my mind, how does venting solve anything?

Originally Posted by StoopidMunky11

If she's upset about something, instead of being able to console her, I end up giving a solution...it's like a damn curse!

I don't know how many times I've seen an INTP express this about an ISFJ. It's been at least five or six. It's a very common frustration between the two types.


Here's my explanation I gave in another thread:

Originally Posted by teddy564339

I've seen this pop up a lot in other threads involving INTPs. It's really an Ne vs. Si situation, with some T and F mixed in.


The thing with ISFJs is....our dominant Si makes us want to prefer to keep things the same. We crave consistency, and making changes is usually very tough for us. What we really want is stability and reassurance, and then we want to be able to go at something full steam, going very deep and latching on. We want to know something is rooted deeply in place, and then we're going to put 100% of our effort into it.


But if we're afraid that something is going to be constantly changing, we're not going to feel security with it, and we'll become extremely unsettled.


So often, when we're faced with a situation that's not optimal, we often prefer to keep it that way instead of dealing with the change. Making the chance is often more stressful and gives us more anxiety than sticking with the known...even if we're not completely happy with the known.

Now, whether or not this is ok depends on the situation. Certainly there are times when things get so bad that it really is necessary to make a change. And there are times when we really do need to be pushed into making that change.


But I think often we prefer to just keep on pushing along with something. Now, we often may want to vent and blow off steam about a situation because it's not perfect, and some of these outbursts may be pretty strong. But, I think once we get it out of our system, we feel a lot better, and then we have no problem continuing to deal with the issue.


But I know to NTs, especially NTPs, they see this as insanity, because when they see our vent sessions, they see us as being unhappy, and they see us as complaining about something and not ever doing anything to change it. And this strikes them as very stupid...they basically see it as whining about a problem but never making any effort to improve the situation.

As I said, in some cases this is true...there are times when we really do need to find a way to make our situation better.


But I think one big problem is...it's very stressful for us to try things that don't work. I think P types, especially NPs, like trying out a bunch of things, because it's so easy for them to move on. If something doesn't work, they just bounce on to the next thing. But for ISJs, it's so stressful for us to put so much work into making a change, only to find out it was a waste of time and energy. This sticks with us, and we wish so badly we hadn't tried making the change at all. This is so much worse than just sticking with the non-optimal original situation.

I think this link really explains this Si/Ne dynamic in ISFJs very well:

Recognizing the Inferior Function in ISFJ



So as I mentioned before, I think it's helpful if you focus on the positive before pointing out the problems. ISFJs can make changes, but we have to do it slowly and one step at a time. You have to be patient with us...a lot of times we have to reach the conclusion ourselves, we can't have it pushed on us. If we do, then we're going to get hurt, lash out, and stubbornly block out everything else you say. But if you show us support and gently guide us along, we'll probably see the truth and go at it wholeheartedly.

Here's the thread I posted that in:

The ISFJ and conflict...

@teddy564339. interesting. i totally agree with you that this will be a challenge too.

Originally Posted by Crow

I just recently started dating an INTP and I'm just curious if others have had the same.

The Perseus System would peg a Crow at INFJ

i just found out my brother is an INTP, im sure theres a huge difference in a bro/sister relationship and a romantic one, but he lives with my husband and i. We argue (because he loves to argue) he is pushy about his morals and CONSTANTLY tells me im wrong. Its annoying. But from what i have found with INTPs is that they can be very understanding when it comes to emotions (especially for NT types) and they tend to be loyal and honest. Dont listen to the haters that say ISFJs are needy and overbearing, it all depends on the individual. Good luck!

This is my parents' combination. I would summarize their relationship as: co-dependency. My Mom (the ISFJ) wears the pants, for sure. They rarely leave the house other than to "go for a drive", hardly ever to socialize. Although I grew up Catholic, my Dad would air his doubts about the accuracy of the Bible, and my Mom would whisper things to me in mass like "I'm not going to sing. I hate singing. Lets sneak out after communion." At home, they each work on their separate hobbies, and they rarely spoke to me (their only child) - unless my Dad was going off on one of his late-night rants about the world. They discouraged me from signing up for sports, traveling, or trying new foods - "what if you don't like it?". Then I could at least know that I don't like it!!!!!!

Originally Posted by teddy564339

I think this is part of the reason why I have a hard time picturing myself having children. For me, I can only relax and be at peace when I know everything is taken care of and is in the right place. In my own life, this isn't so bad because I can easily control it. But if I'm ever in a situation where I feel responsible for someone else, I'd have a hard time letting them be because it's out of my control.
That's not to say ISFJs are bad parents. But ISFJs usually aren't very good leaders because we feel like we have to do everything ourselves instead of delegating tasks. We can't relax unless all of the details are taken care of, and we also have a hard time asking for help.

WOW this sounds just like my Mom. I think my Dad depends on her controlling his life, because he's so... theoretical, and not practical.
I hated being treated that way, though. I have to say it sort of kills a kid's self-esteem when you do every thing for them without delegating - it's like telling them, "I don't think you're capable enough." At the same time, I felt guilty when I realized she needed help around the house & never asked.

I laughed so hard reading this, it describes me so well. I just had to join so I could reply. I'm an ISFJ currently perusing an INTP, even though it's probably never going to happen for a number of reasons. For one, I could never work up the courage to start anything. I've tried dropping hints over the past few months, but I always end up sounding like I'm trying to mother him. Long story short, he's going out with someone else. Besides, it sounds like a breakup between these two types can be pretty bad, and I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship.

Am I the only one who doesn't think lightly of my ISFJ friends?

Really, my ISFJ friends, are really annoying. especially this one guy friend. At first he seemed like a cool & rational guy to hang out with but, once those barriers are down, its impossible to build back up. he's terribly needy. I go away for 2 weeks or something and then he thinks I'm avoiding him like the plague. Not to mention we don't share anything in common. There are, dare I say, TONS of miscommunication. He's not flexible at all.

I tried to get along, and accommodate his needy side, but really, its stressing me out when he doesn't do any favors of understanding me. He also doesn't talk AT all, but then you start up a topic he likes, he then becomes this overly obnoxious and happy person who talks forever, and then I end up putting him in his place with my terrible logical side, and he sulks like no tomorrow. Need I say, he expects you to initiate everything!

And as much as I don't want to say this but, he's terribly useless when I ask for advice & help.

I would ask for second opinon on my ideas, or express what should I do to make an ending stating sound more plausible. Sheesh he ends up crawling back into his shell or something and gives this fake half-baked answer. either that or he changes subject.

Honestly I think to myself why do I even bother being friend with someone like him. =_=
Not to mention when I rather spend my time doing something else more interesting, I then end up listening to him rant on society, and his life, because he complains he has no one else to go too.

well the good points about him, he is caring, and a hard worker. that's about it. But effort wise to make that caring side come out? Not worth it.

I'm not saying my friend isn't a great guy, nor am I saying ISFJ are bad, I just want you to know my experience with one that's all :]

so I wish you guys & gals out there good luck. I for one, am probably one of the more unfortunate one, and I don't plan on ever dating someone from ISFJ field ;u;